We've often heard the phrase "presenting a united front" when disciplining children, but is it really necessary for parents to agree all the time? Can a mom and dad with two completely different parenting styles come together with regard to discipline? How important is it for kids?

Difference of Opinion
Experts agree that although it would be ideal, being united on every discipline issue is nearly impossible. Ray Levy, Ph.D., author of Try and Make Me! (Rodale Press, 2002), says, "Sometimes you'll find parents that are pretty close, and that's nice, but it's really rare." However, he adds, there usually isn't a tremendous disparity. "One parent might want the kids in bed by 8, while the other might prolong the bedtime routine so they don't get to bed until 8:30." He says this type of difference is common and nothing to worry about.

"When there are wide discrepancies, usually that's a sign of another problem," Levy says. For example, if one parent says it's time for bed, and the other parent ignores it and starts an activity with the child, there may be something more going on. In these cases, Levy suggests getting the help of a third party, such as a trusted family member, close friend or professional counselor. "With any kind of huge disparity you need to get help," he says.

Levy says that for most kids, presenting a united front isn't as important as we may think it is. "It depends on the temperament of the child," he says. "My wife and I have an easy-temperamented child. We don’t always agree on discipline, and that's OK because our daughter knows how to negotiate, and she's fine with it." However, some children, especially those with difficult temperaments, need the consistency that comes from a united front. In this case, Levy encourages parents to come together to tackle one issue at a time. "Pick one battle [to fight as a united front] and win it, then move on to the next,” he says. Success reinforces the unified front and will help you move on to bigger battles.

Parenting Styles
Because parents grow up in different environments, they often have different ways of thinking about discipline and dealing with discipline issues. For example, one spouse may have been raised in a family of yellers, while the other was raised in a family that discussed misbehaviors and enforced logical consequences. Naturally, these parents are likely to have different discipline styles.

Susan Fletcher, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert in Dallas, Texas, believes that seeing different parenting styles is good for children. "It benefits kids if parents have different styles, because, if you think about it, they're going to have different personalities for teachers, peers and bosses, and they need to learn to adapt to different styles." However, she adds, you should still have some sort of a plan. "You have to agree on the basic routines, but you don't always have to agree on the way you implement them."

Not in Front of the Kids
Many parents, like Vicki Main, a mother from Gig Harbor, Wash., believe it's best to be unified in front of the children and discuss differences privately. "[My husband and I] decided that we had to back each other up, even if one didn't agree with what the other was doing," Main says. By having their disagreements behind closed doors rather than arguing in front of their daughter, they believed it would help the child respect both parents' authority.

Courtney D. Knowles, a spokesperson for the Institute for Equity in Marriage, agrees with this philosophy. "If you and your spouse are having a problem with an in-law, you wouldn't choose to talk about the problem and how you're going to solve it in front of that person," he says. The same is true with your children. "Make a private space to discuss the situation so you are on the same page, and you're presenting a unified front instead of an argument."

However, Fletcher believes that some conflict in front of the children is good. "When we don't have a united front, it's an opportunity to teach our kids negotiation skills and respect for each other," she says, both of which are important life skills. These skills are not taught by arguing and trying to win your partner over to your side, though. When you present your spouse with "Let me tell you why I think it's OK," or "Come on over to my side and agree with me," you're trying to defend yourself and are focusing on the issue, not the relationship. "And when you do that, you're teaching your children to argue with you,” says Fletcher. Instead, she says, parents should work out a compromise.

Suppose, for example, that a father wants to color with his child, but it's bedtime. An unproductive argument might play like this: "This is not a good time for coloring. It's bedtime, and she needs her sleep. You can color with her tomorrow." A better way of handling the situation, which teaches negotiation and respect, might go something like this: "Let's get into our pajamas and brush our teeth now, and then you can color with Daddy in your room for a little while." This alternative meets the needs of both parents. "In business we always find a way to negotiate. We should work for that in our families, too," Fletcher says.

Agree to Disagree
Sometimes, though, no matter how hard we try, a compromise cannot be met. "It happened to us," says Fletcher. Her husband felt strongly that their children should be given an allowance. She felt just as strongly that they should not. "We agreed to disagree," she says. "Sometimes kids can have an arrangement with one parent independent from the other parent." In her case, her husband set up an allowance for the children, but it doesn't involve her. "If we're in the store and my son doesn't have enough money for what he wants, I will not give him an advance on his allowance. That's an arrangement he has with his father, not with me." She says her children understand this, and so they don’t even ask.

The Last Word
While it is a good idea to continue working toward a unified front, it is important to acknowledge that being completely in sync all the time is little more than a dream for most of us. Levy suggests that parents evaluate their kids. "If they're doing all right at home, at school and with their peers, then OK – if parents don't always agree, I wouldn't make a big deal of it."

Want to see more?

• Arguing and Back-Talk
• Fight Fair: How (Not) to Argue in Front of Your Kids
• Lights Out! Getting Your Preschooler to Bed
• Catch Them Being Good: Reviewing the Reward System
• The Truth About Consequences: Natural and Logical Thinking About Discipline
• Talk about it!