We all want our children to be happy, successful and make friends easily. But what if your child displays a personality trait that worries you -- like shyness, aggressiveness or perfectionism? This can be especially hard for parents that suffered from one of these behaviors as children.

Shawn Myers, a 33-year-old mother in Utah, sobbed in her car, upset by her daughter Ryann's shy behavior. Several members of Ryann's preschool class had arrived at a swimming pool where 4-year-old Ryann and her mother were sunbathing. Ryann hadn't spoken to any of her classmates or even waved. Ryann stood wistfully on the sidelines, biting one knuckle, as her peers frolicked in the water. Her shy behavior triggered an avalanche of painful memories for Shawn. As an only child, Shawn had attended four separate kindergartens and had developed a shyness that haunted her all through high school. "I don't want Ryann to end up hating school like I did. I want her to easily make friends but she doesn't. I wish I knew how to help her."

Myers isn't the only mother worried about behavioral traits cycling through generations. April Schmidt of Alabama, mom to preschooler Tyler, is concerned about her son's quick temper. "I worry that he'll hurt someone else or himself. I hope to somehow teach him to control his temper without teaching him that his feelings are wrong," she says. "This is a big concern because as a child I had a horrid temper and once cracked my little sister's head open by throwing a large stapler at her. Thankfully she only required a few stitches and there was no permanent damage."

What Can Parents Do?
Gail Gross, Ph.D., expert on juvenile education and development issues and host of radio's "Let's Talk," says, "Let your child be who he is and support him while helping him experiment. Recent research on gene therapy links genetics to behavioral traits. Parents can become the ultimate gene therapist by 'turning on' certain genes." How does this work? The parents of a behaviorally shy child can organize a safe environment in which their child feels comfortable enough to reach out. The parent can touch their child's hand to ground her, show support by speaking calmly and staying close to show they're there if needed. Repeating this process provides a safe environment for experimentation. The child gains experience, forming positive associations. These associations stimulate learning and "turn on" genes linked to friendliness.

"Behavioral concerns are an issue everywhere," says Kristin Johansen, a first grade teacher in Oslo, Norway. Johansen encounters shy, aggressive and perfectionist behavior daily from her 16 students. When behavior causes concern, she helps the kids. "If students act shy I call on them in class a lot when they know the answer. Hearing their name and answering correctly in front of classmates boosts self-confidence." Johansen also compliments students on accomplishments in front of peers. For instance, she might praise a drawing and hang it up for the class to admire.

When faced with aggressive behavior, Johansen displays compassion. "Children that act aggressively may have problems at home or with friends," she says. "I talk to them in a soft voice. I never answer aggression with aggression." She takes the child aside and tries to find out why they're angry. She builds empathy by saying, "How would you feel if Jon kicked you?" Usually the child admits they would feel bad and then returns to play harmoniously.

"Children displaying aggressive behavior need savvy parents" says Dr. Gross. "Aggressive behavior can cause parents to withdraw when what the child needs is a hug." She suggests walking aggressive children through every step of their day. This teaches kids what to expect so they'll feel less frustration. Knowledge breeds trust, while frustration breeds aggression. Gross also suggests structuring playtime, again telling children exactly what to expect beforehand. "Use structure and consistency. These children need to learn how to trust, then they can venture out and feel the universe is benign."

Mini-Perfectionists
What if a child feels they can't do anything right? When a child announces that they can't do anything right, this can be agony for a parent.

"Children that seek perfection often feel out of control and are afraid of making a mistake," says Dr. Gross. "This can stem from over-control or pressure (the hurried child), abandonment issues, divorce or sibling problems."

To help kids with perfectionist tendencies, lower expectations. "Behavior encourages behavior," Gross says. Parents need to tell kids that it's OK not to be perfect. Johansen often encounters perfectionist behavior in her students. When kids are too hard on themselves, she talks to them about practice. "I point out the child's favorite sports idol once couldn't get the ball into the basket or that Olympic skaters have taken a lot of falls on the ice. It takes lots of practice to excel." To reinforce that imperfection is OK, Johansen points out something that a child's close friend doesn't do well. "Look, Sophie missed the tennis ball but that's OK," Johansen says. The child sees that his friend isn't perfect and he doesn't need to be either.

Until recently, it was believed that a child displaying shy behavior at age 4 would still act shy at 77, but recent research shows parents can help "turn on" desirable personality traits. With patient encouragement, 4-year-old Ryann Myers might say "hi" to her pint-sized peers at the pool and consequently, they might invite her in for a swim. Ryann probably won't notice her mother's eyes mist with happiness as she tests new waters.

Help Your Child Make Friends Whether or not you envision your child voted "most friendly" in the high-school yearbook, you can help kids spark friendships. Follow the tips below to encourage your preschooler to make friends. Schedule play dates. Give your child opportunities to practice friendly behavior by ensuring lots of playtime with other kids. Give kids space. Unless worried about physical harm, let children learn by working out their own conflicts. Don't micro-manage. Stay close by, so you're there if needed, but otherwise relax and let kids play by themselves.

 

Want more? Choosing Friends: An Experience in Social Development Freedo m of Speech? Children Who Speak Their Minds Teachin g Tolerance: Closing the Book on Hate

About the Author: Kendeyl Johansen lives in Utah with her husband, Lars. When not chasing her three sons, she's skiing on water or snow.