Good manners don’t come naturally to a child. Children want to be first in line, want the biggest piece of cake and want to be the one noticed in a group. But children need to learn to respect and care about others’ feelings, and it’s never too early to start.

What do good manners mean to children? To a child, manners mean, "I can make other people feel special," says Judi Vankevich, an award-winning entertainer and educational speaker who is known as The Manners Lady. "And that's what good manners are all about – making other people feel valued and special."

Developing Good Manners
Good manners won’t be found on television or learned by watching other children. Parents must get involved to teach their children these important life lessons. "As parents we want to equip our children with the skills and attitudes that will help smooth their way through life," says Vankevich. Children love to learn to do things the "right way," she adds. "And they want to do the right thing – they just need to be taught how."

Anne Offutt, a mom from Brandenburg, Ky., has started teaching her 3-year-old son about manners. "Children need to learn how to treat others respectfully," says Offutt. "The first thing is teaching ‘thank you’ and ‘please.’ It starts to teach them to ask instead of demanding what they want. We deal with talk back a lot, and so we have time-outs when that happens. But he will eventually learn to listen so that he can communicate more effectively."

Angela Peterson of Wilmington, N.C., taught her 3-year-old son to say "yes, sir," "no, sir," "please" and "thank you" as soon as he could talk. "When he handed us something, we would say ‘thank you,’ or when we would hand him something, we would prompt him to say ‘thank you,’" she says. "He still needs to be prompted every now and then."

Offutt is currently working on a problem many parents have – interrupting. "I hate doing that because I feel it's almost as bad to stop the conversation and look at him and sternly say, ‘You need to wait until I am done. I will talk to you in a moment,’" she says. "I feel like Jekyll and Hyde."

When teaching manners to younger children, Vankevich says to keep it simple – and make it fun. "When children see how proud their parents are when they greet an adult politely and shake their hand, they'll be encouraged to do it again," she says.

The 5 Fabulous Phrases
"Please" and "thank you" are just two of the "5 fabulous phrases" Vankevich says children need to learn. "[These phrases] can change the world if we all used them," she says. The other three phrases are "you’re welcome," "excuse me" and "I’m sorry, will you forgive me?"

"Even the youngest children can learn to have a penitent heart and sincerely say, ‘I'm sorry,’" says Vankevich. "When they have to ask forgiveness and wait for a response, it keeps them from just flippantly saying ‘sorry’ and moving on."

Parents reap many rewards to raising a child with good manners. "When my daughter says, ‘Thanks for the delicious dinner, Mom,’ it just makes me want to make an even yummier dinner tomorrow," says Vankevich. "A thankful attitude is so inspiring. Just last week my 12-year-old daughter said, ‘Mom, thanks for driving me to soccer’ as she hopped out of the car. It sure makes all the work of being a parent even more meaningful when you know that you're appreciated."

A Manners Role Model
The most important way parents can teach manners to their children is to have good manners at home with each other, says Vankevich. "Children are so discerning," she says. "They can tell a ‘fake’ a million miles away. Be respectful with your spouse. Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ at home. Sometimes we're the rudest to the people we love and sickly sweet to complete strangers that we'll never see again. We need to be polite to everyone, especially our family. Children will pick it up."

Peterson says she tries to always display good manners around her son. "A lot of times, if we do slip, Jared will correct us, which says a lot about his knowledge of good manners," she says. "You can't expect a child to do something if they don't see you doing the same thing. Smaller children will pick up things simply because they observe a parent doing it, good or bad. It might as well be a good habit."

Learning respect will affect children in other areas of their lives as they grow. "Another reason children need to learn respect for you – their mom and dad – is that how they treat their parents is exactly how they will treat their teacher at school and, as they get older, how they will treat their employer in the workforce or how they will respect police officers and the law," says Vankevich. "If at a young age they learn to respect and appreciate people who serve and protect them, that attitude will stay with them their whole life."

The Golden Rule
Remember "The Golden Rule"? "We all learned it as kids, but sometimes we forget to live it," says Vankevich. "It's known in every culture in the world. Treat others as you would like them to treat you."

Vankevich says that this is the foundation for all manners. "Treat others nicely and with respect. If you don't want someone to be mean to you, then don't be mean to them. If you want people to say nice things about you, then say nice things about them."

This may seem like common sense, but unfortunately there’s not much common courtesy anymore, says Vankevich. "But we're seeing an exciting renewed interest in, and a realization of the need for, good manners. My vision is to help parents influence the next generation in these important life truths and virtues."

So help her spread the word … please?

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